•

Waco: The boys up top tell me you Mohammedans have as many as 300 wives.

Tambul: No. The Prophet tells us that four wives is sufficient for a true believer.

Waco: Why four?

Tambul: The Prophet says that one wife makes a miserable life because she always gets bored. And two wives make a mess of your life also. They always quarrel and you never know which one is right. And three wives are bad, too. The two always take sides against the third. But four wives makes real happiness.

Waco: How?

Tambul: Two and two are company for each other. And the man, he has his rest.

Waco: That sounds all right. You’ve got four?

Tambul: No, I have only one.

Waco: What’s holding you back?

Tambul: If you had this law in your Texas, would you have four wives?

Waco: No. My wife wouldn’t like that.

Tambul: It is the same with me. My wife, she would not like it.

Waco: You sure learn things in the army.

Tambul: Yes, we both have much to learn from each other.

•

Dear HR,

I enjoy adapting client-provided copy and I am
fully prepared to pad, slash, amplify, contour,
warp, finesse or mechanically debone any such
text which does disservice to the honour of said
client’s own brand. I intend to do this using the
most advanced methods known to modern
para-phraseology — all the while preserving
the original author’s ego and erstwhile intent.

Of course, I can also write original copy in
‘voices’ so inspired that actual angels have
been known to descend from on high and to
alight upon the shoulders of any whose eyes
or ears were fortunate enough to encounter
my words. And, obviously, in terms of voices,
I’ve got ‘megalomaniacal bastard’ down pat.

Also, in the interest of full disclosure, I should
confess that I often don’t actually laugh out loud
while typing LOL in response to an e-witticism.
I won’t deny it. It would have come out anyway;
if not during our correspondence, then certainly
at some point during my long and distinguished
career with your firm.

Sincerely,

image: Rubeh Jadidoleslam/AP; link: Guardian.co.uk

imahd.ca: Mr. President, how did you like the movie?

M.A.: I am bound by a fatwa of the Imam not to enjoy such trivial pursuits, but only to study them, like a scientist who dissects small animals.

imahd.ca: I’m sorry to hear that. Was there at least something in the film that you didn’t find offensive or objectionable?

M.A.: I appreciated very much the way that a man–even a severely damaged man–can control not only the thoughts of another, but also that person’s actions. I am very familiar with this concept, but I felt that the director fell short of what he could have achieved. Imagine if one man could do this with a whole country — or even the world.

imahd.ca: How’s that?

M.A.: Um, nothing.

imahd.ca: Okay… well, what about the 3D effects? You often talk about the importance of scientific progress, so you must have found that aspect of the film interesting, from an engineering perspective.

M.A.: It is nothing. In Iran, everything is already in 3D. Look at this tree.

imahd.ca: Are you feeling okay, Mr. President? You look a little feverish. Too much popcorn?

M.A.: Popcorn is an American invention designed to sell more Coca-Cola beverages.

imahd.ca: No argument there, but tell me, is there a fatwa against snacking while watching forbidden films?

M.A.: Not at all. I myself had some delicious mushrooms that one of the young people was only too happy to share with me. That is the way of things in Iran — everyone is friendly. I don’t know why people keep asking me about human rights abuses in the Islamic Republic. We don’t have that. I don’t know who keeps saying that we do.

imahd.ca: Very well, sir. Do you mind if I ask just a few more questions? Umm… Mr. President?

M.A.: Seriously, did you look at this tree? It’s like a hand with a million fingers reaching up to the sky…

imahd.ca: And a million more reaching down into the ground.

M.A.: Oh, whoa… man…

imahd.ca: Are you sure you’re okay, Mr. President? I mean, I can’t help but wonder if those mushrooms you had were strictly, you know… halal?

M.A.: Let me tell you something. Come close… shhh… [looks around] dude, they were the halalest!

imahd.ca: I see… Well, since you’re in such a fine mood, sir, how about a few more questions?

M.A.: Of course! We are friends. Everyone is our friend and we are everyone’s friend.

imahd.ca: Super. What about…

M.A.: Except for the Zionist Entity!

imahd.ca: Of course. Now, about that…

M.A.: And the United States of America! The Great Satan!!

imahd.ca: Certainly. Your position with respect to both of these countries has been made abundantly clear over the years. Is it true that three years ago you forecast the coming of the Mahdi within two years?

M.A.: This is a very common misperception you bring up because you, as an infidel–no offense–do not understand the way in which Mahdi-time works. Obviously, there is nothing to be gained by explaining it to you.

imahd.ca: Uh-huh… Would you care to comment on the anti-government protests that took place yesterday on Revolution Day?

M.A.: Again, I do not understand where you are obtaining such bad information… Hold on, please.

[Aside in Farsi]: Sayeed, go and see if you can find that boy who was sitting near us and ask him where his mother shops for vegetables.

Excuse me. You may continue.

imahd.ca: So, what about Israel? Isn’t it true that the renowned ancient Emperor of Iran, Cyrus the Great, not only gave leave to the Jews of his kingdom to rebuild their temple at Jerusalem, but that he also funded the venture?

M.A. [distracted]: Who? What? … Excuse me once more, please.

[Aside in Farsi]: Hafez! You look like a reject from the Syrian Olympic swim team. Take off those goggles immediately! And stop giggling–at once!

imahd.ca: Cyrus the Great…? The first Persian Emperor…? Okay… How about Darius the Great, Emperor of Persia at its historical apex, did he not affirm the decree of Cyrus with regard to the Jews, Jerusalem and their temple?

M.A.: Hafez, dude, you are so right! When I wear these outside I can see in 4D!

Hafez: Whoa… that must mean that you…can…

M.A.: …that I can…see…through time! [Visibly excited. High fives all 'round.]

Entourage [in unison]: Dude!

imahd.ca: Thanks, Mr. President, for your time. And, in case you’re interested, there’s a great dolma place right around the corner.

M.A.: Dolma! Yes! Everyone, goggles on… and march! Robotically!

imahd.ca: This is Viz Bartolemy reporting for imahd.ca.

M.A.: Are we not men?!

Entourage: We are Devo!!

.

We will not focus on disagreements about the ‘true nature’ of the problem, nor will we cover the email scandal that some commentators are currently calling ‘ClimateGate’. We won’t even introduce the matter of solar activity and how this impacts our terrestrial weather — except to provide a link to it elsewhere.

It looked a lot like this one before we messed it up.

No, instead we have taken a 10-sided die and etched into each of its faces the letters from the name COPENHAGEN.  Then, we proceeded to roll that die until it spelled actual words — which took quite a while, because you have to start over again if your word-in-progress dead-ends in nonsense.

Professor Einstein said that G-d doesn’t play dice with the universe, yet we’ve always managed to play fast and loose with our little corner of it — which may be why we’re facing these problems now. C’mon, baby… Daddy needs a new pair of solar panels!

A few more rules: Each letter may only be used as many times as it actually shows up in the word ‘Copenhagen’. Minimum valid word length: 4 letters. We adapted some of the rules from the great old game, GHOST.

~

So, using this as our method of divination,
we’ve been able to pre-surmise the following:

COPENHAGEN: Hope
People apparently have it — and feel that this conference can play a positive role in shaping the future of man on Earth. It could also mean that US President Obama will feel comfortable taking a leading role, given that this was the primary mantra of his election campaign.

COPENHAGEN: Change
Evidently, we do need it. Also, another election keyword for Mr. Obama.

COPENHAGEN: Open
Delegates from 192 countries are attending.

COPENHAGEN: Enhance
We hope to enhance our ability to sustainably survive on this planet.

COPENHAGEN: Phage (to eat)
There will undoubtedly be some feasting at the event. Food choice, production and transportation will be significant issues at the summit, whether they are planning menus or discussing our greater global diet. Livestock will be reviewed as a major source of greenhouse gases (primarily methane) and as a prominent by-consumer of energy resources.

COPENHAGEN: Hogpen
This could be a reference to pigs as livestock animals — or it could be alluding to mealtime in the main conference dining room.

COPENHAGEN: Cope
What we must do regardless of any decisions taken at the summit.

COPENHAGEN: Phone
Imagine how much smaller the summit’s carbon footprint could have been if all the delegates met by teleconference instead of flying and driving.

COPENHAGEN: Hang
This could refer to our fate should we fail to find a way to live within our environmental means — or it could just be a reference to China, which is expected to make a noteworthy statement.

Come to think of it, they might make more than one announcement:
COPENHAGEN (Chang); COPENHAGEN (Chan); COPENHAGEN (Peng); COPENHAGEN (Chen); COPENHAGEN (Hong); COPENHAGEN (Nang); COPENHAGEN (Chong).
There are a lot of Chinese people, which is why it’s so important for China (likewise for India) to make a strong commitment to proper environmental management. Well over half the world’s population lives in Asia, with China and India together being home to more than 2.5 billion people.

COPENHAGEN: Pengo
If Antarctica melts because of climate change, then how will SEGA’s Pengo crush the furious Sno-Bees with blocks of ice and survive to play another round?

COPENHAGEN: Cheap
What no comprehensive solution would be — in the short run, anyway.

.

COPENHAGEN: Sometimes, the name says it all.
.

.

You’re a beautiful person inside

such a beautiful person inside

So, wear your insides on your outside

and you just won’t believe

what wearing your heart on your sleeve

can do

Wear your insides on your outside

and everyone will be in love with you

~

Now don’t be so clandestine

Show off some intestine

and everyone will be in love with you

.

– 1979